devour your brain

I…I…I don't know what to do anymore. I give up and can't think of anything right now. I screwed up, I messed everything up. I don't know, maybe I would be a shame to my family or things like that. But you should know that I haven't done anything to fix it because as long as I know that I can't change anything about that. But it's also because I don't know which part of my life that I've done wrong. I can't believe what I'm experiencing right now, but the only thing I can think is "where is my God? Does he exist? Because when I'm happy, he would be there and when I'm sad, he would avoid me" just like a typical bad friend. The result came up bad, so bad until I forgot how to breathe and I was confident enough to say that I did it well. And then everything starts to falling apart, I just don't know what lies ahead me, those are God secrets, and all I can think about is that God always try to push me down until I find the best way to die. I don't know why am I being so stupid and screwed my crutial score at the tine like this. I just don't know and if suicide was legal, I would definitely put bullet trough my head because I've done something so stupid and maybe I would be jobless when I grow up. I just don't know, those were only the bad parts, maybe God has something that would break me mentally again like the old days. And I realized that I'm the one who screwed it up and I'm the one to blame. Kill me right now if you want to, because sometimes I realize that I'm a burden of my family's life. I'm so fucking srewed up and I can't fix what I've been done. Fuck my life.