I don't know why I'm writing this. All I know that 13 days from now, I'll move away to London. Leaving everything behind and I'm terrified. I'm scared, I'll be parted from my mother, my loving, strict, gentle mother, nobody compares. I think it is easier for me to parted from my father for he rarely around, I mean, he's always around but only at night, and my brother, maybe it's easier, but who knows? who will argue with him when I don't have anything to do? I'm fricking promise that I will miss them like crazy. It is so hard for me, I hope I can bear with the pain till it ceases. I'll pray for them. It's hard to leave them tho.

My friends. My very beloved friends, I have missed them for months, for days, for hours now, I do really miss them. But distance is a jerk, you know. I don't know why I chose to go in the first place, it's kind of blurry when I try to recall some memories about why I chose this path. But really, I'm excited and scared at the same time.

And you, I don't know what is wrong with my heart. It's beating so fast when I woke up and before I go to sleep, it's beating uncontrollably when I see your face, even just in a photo. Surely I don't know you and you don't know me either. But there's something else that made me really fall deep in this stupid mud and can't get out. Who are you? Who am I? You make me sad, you don't know that.

Everything that I do from now on make me really really terribly sad. I don't want to go, but I really want to go, I just can't decide because my decision is clear, I choose to go.

I will go. I'm leaving soon. I will leave you all behind. I love you all so much.

Why would I ask for more when God gives me less? Why would I do that? Why would I? Maybe because I feel like I've found someone that may suits me well, but God always has His own way. I can't always get what I want. Or maybe he doesn't belong to me? He belongs to everybody, he belongs to this earth and to the wind, to the universe and to the solar system above, or maybe he doesn't belong to anyone but himself. But wouldn't it be wonderful to have him in my life? No? Why? Maybe if I befriend with him, I'll lose myself, I'll belong to nobody. Or maybe all of this just about God teases me, will this little girl strong enough to face this kind of temptation? Will I? If you, You choce the wrong woman, you chose the wrong man. We are not for that, we are more than a piece of this game.

Where are you? Do you need someone to offer a shoulder to cry on? I knew you strong but I don't think you're strong enough to bear with this pain. Someone sets the alarm again but I'm not even finish with the first one. I always need you to stand beside me, but if you need me more than I need you, it's my turn to stand beside you. I'd give up my sadness and misery just for you. I know we have to understand each other. I know you gave me your best advice when I was down there strugling with myself to rise up again. I knew you there but you don't want me to realise. Then it's my turn, hust let me.

And I'm starting to miss him. A FUCKING LOT. This ain't normal. God please guide me through this phase. I don't know if I need this or not. He creeped into my dreams again. I think I miss him now. And I've been listening to this song High Hopes and watching the mv several times and all I can think about was my fricking life that I've wasted. It's too late for everything. And he'll never come up to me that's the fact. It hurts like hell. God please give me another chance? Please please please? Before I go please please :'(

You're too big for my suitcase. I need you to be a good person here. I need you to live your life to the fullest and be like what you've always wanted, tell me when you do, when you achive that, I'd like to learn from you. Thank you for staying in my dreams all this years (not anymore). I'm leaving soon and wish me the best luck so I can live my life to the fullest as well as you'll do. I promise I'll be good. I will forget you eventually, but (why there's always a but in a sentence) I'll keep you in my heart tho. Pray for me, I"ll pray for you too :) 

Be good! 

Luck, Hope, Faith, and Love (four-leave clover)

How many times have I betrayed myself?

How many lies have I told myself?

How many tears that fell because of myself?

How long this torture will go?

How many times have I told myself that everything will be okay?

How many times have I failed myself?

No, noone cares.

People help the people? Bullshit. 

People need to take care of themselve then take care of others. 

I've always be the dumbest one. 

Give a damn of people businesses, care too much.

How many times have I told myself that curiousity killed the cat?

How? How to fix a brokenheart? How to mend a heart?

I'm blank. I can't think because I think about  everything at once.

It's cloudy. I can't even see my own hands. 

Numb.

All I want is to be successful,

but

People turned me down.

Human turns me down.

That what people do, turn everybody down, even one that has already at the bottom. 

God. I'm sorry if I failed you. But this time I do really need a favor. I need a guidance. Show me the way. Show me to the door, to the right one, to the person that I've always wanted to be. I promise I will never lose my touch. Never.

May I hear some Amen?

Amen.

Sometimes I wonder. Have I ever slip into your mind? Have you ever think of me once? Are you even think of me or her or the little one? There are things that I can't understand. I don't understand you and I kinda not interested of find out. I just want to let you go from now on. I'm trying to not even care. And this guy, this guy that's bugging me, I also don't know what to do about him. I'm tired so I let him do what ever he wants to do. I don't want to think anything else. I tried to understand you once but you walked away. I don't know why, maybe because you believe in something that I don't believe so you sacrifice your feelings (if you ever had feeling towards me, I don't have any idea) towards me. I don't know. I just don't know. I'm tired, and my time is short, I have to go sooner and maybe I will never come back again (I'll be back some time but...) and maybe it's too late for you or me to tell each other things that we want to say.