I could use a dream, you know.

Sometimes, in my dream I can feel your existence even vaguely. But I'm not always sure that it was you so I will abandon that feeling and get on with my life.

Just like other people said that women have high hopes in their life and I keep trying to be so denial but recently I can't even fight the feeling. I always told myself that I'm alone but I'm not lonely, however someone needs someone else in their life and I can't deny. The way I imagine my life would be is a complete opposite of my life I have now and it's making me sad because I want my life to blend each other, so it's kinda dreamy and realistic at the same time but then it's just an imagination, I can't do anything to make it all happen.

I always dream of a family and will be happy, small fight and we can always resolve the problem and lovely children with their best outfit on the table with me and the other adult then we will have a family conversation (the functional ones) and everybody will take their part to clean the kitchen because the maids are not responsible for the dinner table. Then I'll tuck my children into their bed and they will pray with me before sleep, we will ask for forgiveness and blessings and also send our best gratitude for God to give us chance to live that day. Their father will write them stories about humanity and then they will fall asleep.

All my life I keep hearing people talking about boys, men, all kind of thing about the people from Mars, however I always wanted a small loving family and I don't have any eager curiosity about people from mars or venus. I just don't believe that love does exist until the day I find and feel it by myself. I just want a very fresh start to make my own loving family and very functional.

Saya Rindu.

Saya pernah berkata jikalau saya membenci Indonesia. Ya, dan masih. Mengapa? Karena begitu banyak memori yang tertinggal di tanah itu, dan saya benci bagaimana para pembesar negaranya tidak membebaskan kita bergerak. Saya juga pernah berkata bahwa saya membenci Jakarta. Ya, dan masih. Mengapa? Karena banyak sekolah dihancurkan hanya demi pemasukan uang negara, seperti pusat belanja, atau jalan bebas hambatan. Saya pernah berkata saya membenci Bali. Ya, dan masih. Mengapa? Karena mataharinya yang terik, dan anginnya yang berdebu. Tapi, saya juga mencintai mereka. Saya bangga ketika Indonesia disebut didalam sebuah film, saya bangga karena Indonesia memiliki hutan-hutan hujan tropis yang sampai sekarang belum terjamah oleh tangan manusia, saya bangga ketika beberapa binatang disana tidak dapat ditemukan di negeri lain. Saya cinta ketika berkeliling Jakarta saat malam, saya cinta melihat kehebohannya saat pasar malam, saya cinta ketika menatap Jakarta dari puncak tugu monas. Saya rindu Bali akan deburan ombaknya, saya rindu Bali akan kesibukannya, saya rindu rasa kesel dan benci yang saya rasa ketika berada disana.

Yang paling saya rindukan adalah perasaan aman yang saya rasakan saat berjalan diatas tanahnya.

Indonesia tanah air beta
Pusaka abadi nan jaya

Indonesia sejak dulu kala
Tetap dipuja-puja bangsa

Disana tempat lahir beta
Dibuai di besarkan bunda
Tempat berlindung di hari tua
Sampai akhir menutup mata

P.S: Saya rindu para manusia yang ada didalamnya

Could someone please tell me which part of  "can I have your phone number?" is a crime? Because all my friends made it looks like a crime and I didn't think that way, and this kinda embarrassing because I don't know the ethic code between boys and girls here.

Firstly, for me I know that phone number is a private thing to share with other people and I don't want any random people know my phone number. You have to stick with the same people long enough to know their name and their phone number. It has been bugging me since the first day when a person really unwillingly gave ... phone number to me. I was not even intended to annoy ... with texts and calls and stuffs like that. It is kinda annoying when I can read people's mind, and I was just kidding, I can't read mind. So now, part of me said that it would be okay if you just play it cool, because I was simply didn't know that I can't ask someone's phone number. Hey but a girl can dream, right? What if I was kidnapped and I was trapped with my phone, I will call all the numbers in my contacts, and if I added a phone number in my contact it heighten the possibility that I could survive.

Lastly, I don't want this to be like story telling time, but I kinda regrets all the things I did back then and I will not do that again, but sometimes I can be so stupid and break my promises (to myself) beacuse I just simply love to make new friends :)

Don't get me wrong. I'd like my mom to tell me what to do not because I'm the mommy's little girl but I'm so lazy to think what I have to do. And the thing is my mom would listen to me if I don't like it.

Tik-tok! Tik-tok! Coba saya bisa menghentikan waktu atau mengulang waktu. Saya akan kembali lagi disaat saya sedang bersama teman-teman dan mencari 1 hari yang paling bahagia dalam hidup saya dan klik! membuat waktu itu membeku seumur hidup saya. 4 hari lagi saya berangkat meninggalkan ibu kota, meninggalkan tanah air pertiwi ini. Saya meninggalkannya tanpa mengucapkan kata pamit secara formal. Tak ada acara perpisahan yang sah dibuat sebelum saya pergi, karena saya tau, saya akan di luluhlantakkan oleh air mata. Saya tau itu. Saat terakhir kalinya saya bertemu teman-teman di Pondok Indah, yang saya rasa saat perjalanan pulang "semua rasa kesal dan sebal yang dulu saya kadang rasakan saat masih duduk dibawah gedung yang sama hilang dibawa angin. Sekarang saat tau saya tidak akan bertemu lagi secepatnya membuat saya merasa sedih dan kehilangan." Saya sedih dan tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa. Saya harus pergi. Sebuah keharusan dan keeajiban yang memang saya harus terima dengan lapang dada, karena ini memang mau saya sejak awal. 

Teman, maaf saya tak bisa mengucap salam perpisahan terlebih dahulu. Yang penting kalian tau aku sayang kalian dan kalian tau kalau aku akan selalu berdoa untuk kesuksesan kalian di kemudian hari. Jangan sombong-sombang ya kalo sudah sukses nanti, ingat dulu kita kerja keras mengisi kertas ujian berlembar-lembar bersama-sama. 

Jadi sepuluh hari lagi saya meninggalkan Jakarta yang saya cintai dengan setengah hati ini karena hampir semua hati saya untuk ibu, adik, dan ayah saya. Saya takut, berbagai macam ketakutan menghantui aaya, tapi yang paling saya takuti adalah tak ada ibu. Ibu orang yang paling saya cintai di dunia ini walaupun betapa saya membencinya saat beliau dan saya sedang bertengkar. Saya tak pernah merasa seperti di dalam penjara di rumah saya sendiri, tak seperti orang-orang lain. Saya memiliki sebuah hubungan yang benar-benar baik dengan ibu saya sejak masih di dalam perut, semua yang kami lalui bersama mempererat ikatan itu dan saya takut bahwa saya terlalu lemah untuk berada jauh di luar jangkauan beliau. Saya takut kami tak bisa saling menyelamatkan. Saya takut. Tapi saya harus bisa. Saya hatus kuat untuk beliau dan untuk saya dan untuk semua. Saya harus. Saya bisa. Mungkin itu semua mantra yang akan saya ucapkan terus menerus dalam waktu 10 hari ini. Doakan saya.

I know why am I so messed up. I know. I miss him and I'm to afraid to lose my family. I love my family with all my heart, nobody compares, nobody, I could die for them, I swear.

And this rascal can't get out of my heart, he's no longer in my mind, his figure was ceased from my mind like a month ago, but the leftover remains in my heart. I miss him, I care about him, and I think I love him for my mom said if you wake up and the first thing you do is thinking about that person, you are in love. Then I love him, but I'm so confused. I'm hurt right now and still torturing myself with this song by The Maine called These Four Words, I'm damned.

I hate you for making me like this, for leaving me barefoot like this. I hate you for not care about my life, I do really need someone to talk about my family, I love them like too much, and I'm sure you can say something that can calm me down. Or maybe you can call me in the middle of the night and tell about your stories, you voice will ease my aches.

I do really hope you read about this, I do. Just be my friend if you don't want me to love you. Just. Be. My. Friend. because I trust noone, except you. I do really hope you'd be here right now, as friend, as stranger, as anything you want. I'm so desperate.

I don't know why I'm writing this. All I know that 13 days from now, I'll move away to London. Leaving everything behind and I'm terrified. I'm scared, I'll be parted from my mother, my loving, strict, gentle mother, nobody compares. I think it is easier for me to parted from my father for he rarely around, I mean, he's always around but only at night, and my brother, maybe it's easier, but who knows? who will argue with him when I don't have anything to do? I'm fricking promise that I will miss them like crazy. It is so hard for me, I hope I can bear with the pain till it ceases. I'll pray for them. It's hard to leave them tho.

My friends. My very beloved friends, I have missed them for months, for days, for hours now, I do really miss them. But distance is a jerk, you know. I don't know why I chose to go in the first place, it's kind of blurry when I try to recall some memories about why I chose this path. But really, I'm excited and scared at the same time.

And you, I don't know what is wrong with my heart. It's beating so fast when I woke up and before I go to sleep, it's beating uncontrollably when I see your face, even just in a photo. Surely I don't know you and you don't know me either. But there's something else that made me really fall deep in this stupid mud and can't get out. Who are you? Who am I? You make me sad, you don't know that.

Everything that I do from now on make me really really terribly sad. I don't want to go, but I really want to go, I just can't decide because my decision is clear, I choose to go.

I will go. I'm leaving soon. I will leave you all behind. I love you all so much.

Why would I ask for more when God gives me less? Why would I do that? Why would I? Maybe because I feel like I've found someone that may suits me well, but God always has His own way. I can't always get what I want. Or maybe he doesn't belong to me? He belongs to everybody, he belongs to this earth and to the wind, to the universe and to the solar system above, or maybe he doesn't belong to anyone but himself. But wouldn't it be wonderful to have him in my life? No? Why? Maybe if I befriend with him, I'll lose myself, I'll belong to nobody. Or maybe all of this just about God teases me, will this little girl strong enough to face this kind of temptation? Will I? If you, You choce the wrong woman, you chose the wrong man. We are not for that, we are more than a piece of this game.

Where are you? Do you need someone to offer a shoulder to cry on? I knew you strong but I don't think you're strong enough to bear with this pain. Someone sets the alarm again but I'm not even finish with the first one. I always need you to stand beside me, but if you need me more than I need you, it's my turn to stand beside you. I'd give up my sadness and misery just for you. I know we have to understand each other. I know you gave me your best advice when I was down there strugling with myself to rise up again. I knew you there but you don't want me to realise. Then it's my turn, hust let me.

And I'm starting to miss him. A FUCKING LOT. This ain't normal. God please guide me through this phase. I don't know if I need this or not. He creeped into my dreams again. I think I miss him now. And I've been listening to this song High Hopes and watching the mv several times and all I can think about was my fricking life that I've wasted. It's too late for everything. And he'll never come up to me that's the fact. It hurts like hell. God please give me another chance? Please please please? Before I go please please :'(

You're too big for my suitcase. I need you to be a good person here. I need you to live your life to the fullest and be like what you've always wanted, tell me when you do, when you achive that, I'd like to learn from you. Thank you for staying in my dreams all this years (not anymore). I'm leaving soon and wish me the best luck so I can live my life to the fullest as well as you'll do. I promise I'll be good. I will forget you eventually, but (why there's always a but in a sentence) I'll keep you in my heart tho. Pray for me, I"ll pray for you too :) 

Be good! 

Luck, Hope, Faith, and Love (four-leave clover)

How many times have I betrayed myself?

How many lies have I told myself?

How many tears that fell because of myself?

How long this torture will go?

How many times have I told myself that everything will be okay?

How many times have I failed myself?

No, noone cares.

People help the people? Bullshit. 

People need to take care of themselve then take care of others. 

I've always be the dumbest one. 

Give a damn of people businesses, care too much.

How many times have I told myself that curiousity killed the cat?

How? How to fix a brokenheart? How to mend a heart?

I'm blank. I can't think because I think about  everything at once.

It's cloudy. I can't even see my own hands. 

Numb.

All I want is to be successful,

but

People turned me down.

Human turns me down.

That what people do, turn everybody down, even one that has already at the bottom. 

God. I'm sorry if I failed you. But this time I do really need a favor. I need a guidance. Show me the way. Show me to the door, to the right one, to the person that I've always wanted to be. I promise I will never lose my touch. Never.

May I hear some Amen?

Amen.

Sometimes I wonder. Have I ever slip into your mind? Have you ever think of me once? Are you even think of me or her or the little one? There are things that I can't understand. I don't understand you and I kinda not interested of find out. I just want to let you go from now on. I'm trying to not even care. And this guy, this guy that's bugging me, I also don't know what to do about him. I'm tired so I let him do what ever he wants to do. I don't want to think anything else. I tried to understand you once but you walked away. I don't know why, maybe because you believe in something that I don't believe so you sacrifice your feelings (if you ever had feeling towards me, I don't have any idea) towards me. I don't know. I just don't know. I'm tired, and my time is short, I have to go sooner and maybe I will never come back again (I'll be back some time but...) and maybe it's too late for you or me to tell each other things that we want to say.

He puts his strong feeling aside so he can focus on the other thing. He pushes himself too hard now and try to ignore the strong feeling that he's been kept for long time. He feels stronger when he put that feeling aside. He doesn't want to ruin something that has been stay on this earth for a long time, older that this human beings. I knew it. But sometimes I feel pity of him, how his life will full of misery...try to put one thing aside that he even don't know why he chose that thing in the first place.

Membaca membuat saya berpikir. Saya membaca itu dan kemudian menjadi begitu emosional. Salah. Tapi ini benar. Ini jalan yang saya pilih. Jangan melihat kebelakang. Lihat kedepan. Tapi ada baiknya kau lihat kebelakang. Kau harus tau seberapa jauh kamu melangkah. Dan saat saya melihat kebelakang. Jauh. Ada loncatan sangat besar di belakang saya. Rasa sedih berkecamuk di dalam hati bagai gelombang pasang yang diterjang badai. Tapi itu yang saya pilih. Jauh. Itu selalu jadi masalah utamanya. Saya tak pernah merasa begitu terikat seperti ini. Tak pernah kecuali dengan keluarga sendiri. Tapi setelah melihat kebelakang. JAUH! September tinggal 3 bulan lagi. Saya pergi. 

It's just me and my complicated life...or if I can add, love-life. Because I don't know why can I love somebody yet. Everytime I feel my feminine side of me wants to shows itself, I always try to hide it, and it always turn out good. I don't really know how to love somebody because I think I can't be a loyal person. I don't know but I'm scared to have somebody. And as the matter of fact there's noone who's waiting for mw out there. Oh shit! Wrong, there's one but I will rather go away than be with him, I'm not trying to be bad or mean, but I don't want to break his fragile heart and yes I chose to stay away as far as possible. But! Oh I don't really like but. But...there's one...another peraon that maybe can you know what I mean. I think I've saved his dignity from my mom's malicious words and yeah he don't even know that yet. My mom adm I talked about this one person a lot untill my mom assumed that I like him but I'm not because there's no trigger for me to do that....to like him I mean. I don't like being rushed and I don't like someone that exaggerate something. It annoys me aaaaaa loooot. Also, I don't like a real transparant person (you can guess what he would do next for you, mushy-gushy romance) OH GOD!, I like challange si the person must be a bit tough to understand, that would be great. I like to argue and barging, oh man, you don't have to follow everything that I say, you have your own opinion and we will work it out somehow. Yeah that's it, a smart and intelligent person must be added too, but about handsome? I'm young, I have to experience a lot of things...so let's see, I'd love to have someone that is handsome and dashing. I like one that look good in suit and cargo pants. Hahahaha. If God had one.

I…I…I don't know what to do anymore. I give up and can't think of anything right now. I screwed up, I messed everything up. I don't know, maybe I would be a shame to my family or things like that. But you should know that I haven't done anything to fix it because as long as I know that I can't change anything about that. But it's also because I don't know which part of my life that I've done wrong. I can't believe what I'm experiencing right now, but the only thing I can think is "where is my God? Does he exist? Because when I'm happy, he would be there and when I'm sad, he would avoid me" just like a typical bad friend. The result came up bad, so bad until I forgot how to breathe and I was confident enough to say that I did it well. And then everything starts to falling apart, I just don't know what lies ahead me, those are God secrets, and all I can think about is that God always try to push me down until I find the best way to die. I don't know why am I being so stupid and screwed my crutial score at the tine like this. I just don't know and if suicide was legal, I would definitely put bullet trough my head because I've done something so stupid and maybe I would be jobless when I grow up. I just don't know, those were only the bad parts, maybe God has something that would break me mentally again like the old days. And I realized that I'm the one who screwed it up and I'm the one to blame. Kill me right now if you want to, because sometimes I realize that I'm a burden of my family's life. I'm so fucking srewed up and I can't fix what I've been done. Fuck my life. 

Sudah tiga hari lamanya saya memandangi foto-foto hasil jepretan para fotografer ini, dan saya temukan hanya perasaan berbeda setiap melihat foto yang berbeda. Rasa sedih, hilang dan hampa sangatlah yang mendominasi hati saya setiap melihat foto-foto itu, sampai pada akhirnya saya menemukan foto ini.

Lihatlah, ini kau. Gelap, dingin, rumit, sukar, dan penuh dengan misteri. Ketika memandangnya, hati saya lagsung saja bekerja, "Ini dia. Ini cerminan dari padanya. Lihatlah betapa sulit medan panjatannya, betapa dinginnya para pendaki yang berada di puncaknya, betapa gelap hutan yang berada di permukaanya, betapa sepi, sunyi dan penuh dengan cerita dan misteri. Itulah dia, dia yang selama ini menari-nari dalam kepalamu, yang selama ini menghantui dirimu. Semua manusia memiliki cerminan pada alam, sebagaimana alam mencerminkan diri manusia masing-masing. Dan ini dia, saya tak akan salah lagi." Setelah melihatnya lebih lama, saya membayangkan diri saya seorang diri berada di dalam hutan yang dilapisi oleh salju tebal, sendirian tanpa penerangan, tanpa makanan, hanya bajiu hangat yang saya kenakan dan tas yang hanya berisikan tali panjat. Ketika haus, saya akan mencairkan esnya dengan menghisapnya dengan lidah saya yang mulai kelu karena dingin yang menyengat. Betapa pada saat seperti itu, melihat manusia lain adalah sebuah anugrah seperti datangnya seorang malaikat. Dan terbayang dibenak saya, seseorang yang tidak pernah saya lihat, mengulurkan tangan untuk membantu saya berdiri dari tumpukan salju tebal yang dingin, merangkul saya sepanjang pencarian jalan keluar, saya tersesat, yang saya lakukan hanyalah menutup mata dan mengikuti langkah kaki si penolong. Kemudian energi dalam tubuh saya terkuras, saya tak kuat lagi berjalan, saya lelah dan kedinginan, bibir saya biru, hidung saya tak bisa memerah lagi, hanya putih, dan si orang asing ini mendudukan saya diatas sebuah bongkahan batu yang tak tertutup salju, matanya yang biru cerah diantara kegelapan hutan menatap mata saya dalam-dalam, merangkai serpihan-serpihan semangat saya yang tercecer di dasar lambung. Mungkin waktunya saya untuk bangkit, berdiri dan menanamkan semangat baru, karena gunung yang saya dakit tidak dapat saya taklukan dengan kedua kaki saya. Saya menyerah daripadamu, kau lebih kuat dari aku dan aku menyadarinya.

The girl looks so anxious, she looks around and does it periodically every ten minutes. Her eyes looks wary, eagle-eyed. Then the boy that she doesn't expected to come sneaking from her back and touch her shoulder. She jumps on her seat and remain silent. "Hey, I was looking for you. Can we talk for a sec? I have something to tell you. I have prepared myself to do this." The girl doesn't move her face to face the boy. The boy sighs and shrugs but with confident says, "I do love you so so so much and I don't know how to tell you about this because I was too worry that you will mad at me. I'm madly in love with you and don't know what to do without you standing beside me. You know? I'm thinking about you all the time and was wondering that you do that too. I'm always sad if you are not around, I would find a way to keep me away from you but I can't and I don't us to be parted. I'm hurt because you don't speak to me anymore. If you don't want me, please just be my friend. I need you and you need me and..." "I don't need you, you hear that? I don't need you and please stop bugging me with your sweet-talking that not even affect me in anyway and please for God's sake I knew that you liked me but can't you understand that I don't like you the way you like me and I was talking with my silence that 'i don't like you so please stay away from me before I hurt you with my words because I don't want to hurt people'. Please don't say that you can't hold it to not see me because if you said so, you just made me sick. Please understand. Go away." She said that with a tender voice, but then tears fall from her eyes. The boy tries to grab her face to kiss her but she pushes him away with a great fear in her eyes. The boy looks hurt, but then again he was the one who choose the path to say those things to the girl. The rain, out of nowhere falls to the ground. The girl is trembling now because of the fear of the boy and the cold from the rain. But she is hugging herself and froze on the ground until a man sees her froze like that. "Good God you're here. I was looking for you." But he then aware of the situation, he gently puts his arms around the girl and kiss her on her forehead. He just puts his lips against the girl's forehead and says nothing until the girl start to cry, her shoulders are shaking and then she leans her head on the man's chest. The man rises his hand to the girl's head and start to caresses her hair. "Hey, everything is gonna be okay. You will be okay. I love you. Who did this to you? That jerk again?" The girl sinks her face to the man's chest, she feels safe again. "No, that okay. He finally tells me that he loves me. But I need you more. Please stay here." "I will stay no matter what. I told you once and will remind you if you forget about that. I love you." The girl nods and then looks up to the man and their eyes locked. He kisses her lips gently and then smile "I love you.". The girl says "I do really like you because you don't rush me. You don't push my dreams. You understand me well. You treat me well. I love you too." The man looks shocked, because after all this time he never received any "I love you too" from the girl until now. "Maybe she just realised it." Says the man's mind.